Just so you know:
I am a bearded frothing madman who occasionally says and writes things which might have a certain personal or kosmic relevance to people. I try my damndest not to be prejudiced, or misogynistic.
I’m a white British cisman with a physical disability who uses a wheelchair due to brain damage suffered in and ex-utero. I’m been practicing occult weirdness for many years and have been Heathen for over a decade now.
Why am I saying this?
Because I want you to know that I’m human. That I still fuck up. That I am not some enlightened being or person to be slavishly admired. I still have to go for a piss in the morning, I probably make funny faces when I take a crap, and I certainly have anger issues. Oh boy do I have anger issues.
Most of what I know, and what I have learnt, is just down to life-experience. Now, my life experience is probably significantly different to a chunk of you. That means that I sometimes look at things a different way. Sometimes this difference is what enables me to point certain things out quite naturally, because that’s the way my life has gone, and certain things which are instinctive to me, may not be to you.
And no doubt your life experience has given you differing life experience too. That’s rather the point.
For a while, many years in fact, I would beat myself up because I couldn’t do something, or hadn’t achieved what others had – be that spiritually, physically or elsewise. Sometimes, I still do – even as most recently as last night – but in general, friends? In general this is my life, my body, my bone and my breath.
These are my words. The magick and occultism and spirtwork and things that I know are mine. Years of existence have taught me them, and I’m still young, still in my early thirties. To some of you, that might seem ancient. To others I am no doubt a whippersnapper who should get off their lawn.
(As to how I ended up on so many lawns at once, answers on a postcard please!)
I’m writing this because there will come a point for all of you, if it hasn’t already occurred, where you may begin to realise that whatever power you might conceive of engaging with or using, it is deeply and intimately connected with your very core.
No matter how many spirits, wights or people there are, you are the essential commonent, in life, and in magick or any spiritual pursuit. It is your awareness, recognised and refined, which reveals Enlightenment. It is your awareness, concentrated and deployed in Image, word and performance, which connects to the kosmos as a whole, sends trembling lines of breath and song along the lines of the web of wyrd.
It is you who shows up at your job, that social gathering, that mystical rite. Witthout you the outcome would be entirely different, in every interaction in the world.
(AÔTH ABRAÔTH BASYM ISAK SABAÔTH IAO!)
For what feels like ten thousand years, and yet in actuality is just over ten, I’ve said these words above with absolute truth. And they come with a corollary: You are not who you think you are.
Because what you think you are, is just a thought. Because you existed long before names and language had any grip on you. Why do you strive to meet the names and shapes others have given you?
Because those shapes and skins would be recognised as pale and empty without your presence, without your desire. You are Necessity itself. As am I.
Understand that everything that happens to you, wouldn’t happen, without you. That’s in no way blaming you, no way saying you’re at fault, that you should have done anything different. On the contrary – what happens happens, what is, is.
I am imperfect. So are you. And in our imperfection, we are perfectly Ourselves, underneath all the layers of conditioning and fear.
You are at the centre of yourself, the root of every experience.
And me, I experience this gnosis in flashes, in surging roiling bubbling things, and in utter calmness. I’m not always aware of it, but it’s there. I can take all the rage, all the frustration that I experienced last night, and I can look at it now, and see it as it is, a shadow that can nonetheless, as I am writing this, return me to the conscious knowledge of my primordial nature.
With all my flaws and fuckups, I can still raise my shaggy head and heave on the pillars of Creation and bring it down around my ears to create something new.
(IAÔ IAKOUNBATT IÔ ERBÊTH IÔ BOLCHSÊTH IÔ PAKERBÊTH IÔ PATATHNAX IÔ ERAPOMPS IÔ TANONO IÔ ERBÊTH IÔ ABRASAX IÔ PSAAPOPSI…)
Because in all honesty, the thing that drives you, well…It’s rather like a Smoking Mirror, an Obsidian Shewstone in which all these thoughts and forms appear. A stone mirror, coughed up from the deep volcanic below and polished to a gleaming shine.
And though all this is metaphor, like any magician, in time you learn to manipulate what spirits come, and how they act. You can try banishing them, all you like, but ultimately, they’ll rise up again. Best to work witth what you got.
And my rage, when it comes up, is like lava. It can’t be stopped. It can only be allowed to cool and disperse. But without it, I wouldn’t have written this. And so, I make it serve me, rather than berating myself for being a failure or losing control.
This is not the psychology you know. No, this is the dreaming reality of Eros and Psyche. The realm of imperfect daimons who do not transcend themselves but are completely themselves, flaws and all.
Contemplate that long enough and you might begin to realise that flaws and benificences are only differing kinds of judgements on what is. Given enough time, all these thoughts and desires will either depart, or lead you where you need to go.
Don’t worry if you “can’t meditate” if you “lose your temper” or “get distracted”. So what? You’re doing what you’re doing, without realisng it. You might screw up horribly. So what? What’s wrong with that?
Like I said, there will come a time when thought and conditioning no longer oppress you – when in fact even they can be horsed in the service of your Soul.
I am perfect, being imperfect. I appear as a conditioned human, as do you – when in fact, well…
Be seeing you.